Friday, September 16, 2011

Weeding the closet: A Real-Time Account

1. Walk to the closet & open the door, close the door & go have a piece of chocolate.

2. One hour later, open the door again, remove a suitcase, close the door & have a look at the internet.

3. Another hour later, open the door, and begin removing the contents.

4. Realize I have no actual plan for what to do with the contents. Have another chocolate while I contemplate that conundrum.

5. Head to the basement to locate a plastic bin or two to hold closet contents.

6. Return to the closet and finish removing contents. Stack said contents haphazardly about the living room.

7. Pontificate about what possessed me to buy a plastic snowball maker and snow brick maker.
7a. Be reminded by my mother that it was she who purchased these items, which were on Lucie's Christmas list, at my request. (There you go mum.)

8. Realize there are several spiders in the closet and fetch the vacuum.

9. Vacuum the spiders.

10. Take a moment to collect myself while wondering if spider encounter aftermath is a legitimate reason to ask for a prescription of Xanax.

11. Decide it's not while surveying the closet.

12. Decide the closet is horrifying and must be painted.

HORRIFYING!!!! I don't think it was painted or cleaned since 1973.

13. Return to the basement to locate a brush and primer.

14. Take a few moments to decide if I really want to paint or if I just want to weed.

15. Oh, what the heck, I'll paint.

16. Remember that I am wearing clothes that don't have paint on them.

17. Decide not to change.

18. Prime the woodwork in the closet.

19. Look at my clothes and realize that I, wonder of wonders, didn't get any paint on them.

20. Decide not to tempt fate with a second coat in these clothes.

21. Apply the second coat of primer but this time in painting clothes.

The bright white primer just makes the walls look worse.

22. Drag the closet pole to the front lawn to spray paint.

23. Back to the basement. Where is the spray paint?

24. Fifteen minutes of searching later, I begin to spray paint the closet pole.

25. Step back and admire the new white stripe of grass on the front lawn

26. Feel harmony restored as the front of the house becomes less pristine.

27. Contemplate whether my new "stair climbing" workout actually counts as I return to the basement to locate the paint.

28. The paint isn't in the basement.

29. Retrieve paint from the end of the hall.

30. Apply first coat to the woodwork.

31. Have an epiphany "The closet will have more use-able space if I DON'T replace the pole but use hooks instead."

32. Leave the half painted pole on the lawn.

33. Apply the second coat of paint to the woodwork.

Now the walls look REALLY bad. The woodwork is looking nice though.

34. Remember that I should have taken a "before" picture.

35. Opt to take a "during" picture instead.

36. Realize that I can't take a good picture because the closet is a. dark and b. cramped.

37. Take pictures anyway.

38. Ponder which paint to use for the walls.

39. Make the paint choice based on proximity because I don't want to haul another paint can from the basement.

40. Aaaaaand BACK TO THE BASEMENT to rummage for painting equipment.

41. Apply first coat of Disney's Hundred Acre Raindrops to the closet walls.

42. Immediately apply second coat to the walls - I'm on a roll now.


43. Step back and admire my newly painted closet.

44. Turn to face its contents strewn about the living room.

45. Weep and die.

46. Just kidding.

47. Bravely begin to sort contents into - Ooooh My Clothbound Classic version of Dracula just arrived!

I collect Penguin's Clothbound Classics series.
They make FANTASTIC gifts for book-lovers.

48. Four hours later think about starting again.

49. Another chapter later resume sorting.

50. Pack up Goodwill stuff and figure out what boxes I need for the stuff I'm putting back.

51. In a completely uncharacteristic move, run errands efficiently, both dropping off Goodwill THE SAME DAY that I made the pile whilst* picking up the new bins which are on sale.

52. Wonder "Who am I and what have I done with me?"

53. Mull over whether or not I'd know if I'd been replaced by a robot.

54. In a completely characteristic move, I arrive home and leave everything in the car.

55. Phew! No need to worry, I'm obviously still me.

56. Face the closet again to measure where the hooks should go.

57. Locate the drill.

58. Locate the correct bit.

59. Correct bit - take two.

60. Start putting the hooks up.

61. Notice that they are slightly crooked.

62. Admit that I have no intention of fixing that.

63. Delude myself by saying crooked hooks add character.

64. Finish the hooks and admire the closet.

Hooks with coats

65. Turn my attention to the floor, the last bastion of the horrible, disgusting, smelly, vile, repulsive, (no, I'm not done) uh... GROSS (there, needed one more) black carpet padding.

66. To the basement to find a paint scraper.

67. To the kitchen for two more pieces of chocolate.

68. To the closet to begin scraping.

69. Briefly consider locating the guy, who thought gluing carpet padding to the sub-floor was a good idea, so I can kick him in the knee-cap.

70. Conclude that it would be a waste of time because it's been almost forty years and kicking an old guy isn't nice.

71. Marvel at how horrifically smelly and nasty this padding is.

72. Pause to see of "Big Hoss" is going to make an offer on the 1981 Pacman arcade game.

73. Finish scraping and take 5 on the couch.

74. It still smells gross.

75. Must find the source of the horrible smell.

76. Realize that it isn't the carpet or the closet.

77. Oh, it's Hun's old sneakers.

78. Into the kitchen to grab some tongs.

79. Pick up the sneakers with said tongs & throw the sneakers down the basement stairs.

80. Place tongs in bleach solution to disinfect.

81. Out to the car to get the bins that I didn't bring in before.

82. Back to the basement to go through the bins that I have saved to see if I have the final bin I need.

83. Rejoice because saving something actually paid off.

84. Sort closet contents into bins, hang coats, replace games & other closet items.

85. Stand back and admire my new, clean, pretty and functional front closet.

86. The closet pole is still on the front lawn & the spray paint can is still on the front porch railing.

87. Decide to leave them there lest we create too big an expectation of tidiness from our neighbors.

TA-DAH!!!!! Fini.

Yep, still there.
*Whilst - how you can tell I've been reading Dracula.


  1. ha! At least you finished your closet project. It generally takes me 3 days to do the same thing. And in the meantime, I have Grammie "help" me by reorganizing stacks, piles and/or donations. You need more help. ; )bu

    Anyhow, great job! : )

  2. My Dear Janel. It was over three days, I just thought the post was long enough without adding the sleep/meal/bathroom breaks ;-p

    Thank you though, I'm glad you like it!

  3. This made my day. The color of your closet is amazing, as though you planned it and didn't just reach for the nearest can. I also would like to take this opportunity to admit to you that I, too, take occasionaly chocolate breaks. I do. Dark chocolate.

  4. Why thank you! Chocolate is wonderful, I don't think I could be productive without it.

  5. I wish I hadn't read the comments - I was so impressed that you'd done all this in just one day! What I am saying? I'm still impressed. Not a project I would ever have tackled alone. Kudos! You are so inspiring :)

  6. Awww, thanks Susan! Not really, but I appreciate the complement!

  7. i LOVE this post! thanks for the link back. that is the most entertaining diy i've ever read!

  8. Kudos for #51 ..and extra points for the Dracula reference.

  9. Kudos for #51 ..and extra points for the Dracula reference.


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